|"When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom." -- John Gray|
In a class on negotiations and the impact of power, two students in a mock group negotiation exercise willingly walked out of a profitable deal just so that a stronger member of the group could be taught a lesson and be left with nothing. When asked in the debriefing session as to the reason, the response that came was that the man in power was asserting his authority over the less powerful groups and constantly showed an arrogant attitude. The lack of respect given was enough for them to accept losses, provided that the student with power lost face in front of others.
Another group in the same class walked in with extremely different results. The outcome was more equally distributed. In this case, the person in power was asked for the reason. His reasoning was: ‘I know I have power; but I don't need to show it. I have to build relationships with these other players, so it is important I treat them with respect. For it is these small relationships that will help me in the future.'
What is Respect?
Sarah Cobb describes the importance of framing values clearly in one's narratives.
Every human being and nation, irrespective of their power or strength, has the right to be respected. "Respect is an unassuming resounding force, the stuff that equity and justice are made of." It means being treated with consideration and esteem and to be willing to treat people similarly.. It means to have a regard for other peoples' feelings, listening to people and hearing them, i.e. giving them one's full attention. Even more importantly, respect means treating one with dignity. Respect is the opposite of humiliation and contempt. So where the latter can be a cause of conflict, the former and its opposite can help transform it. As William Ury writes in his book The Third Side: "Human beings have a host of emotional needs- for love and recognition, for belonging and identity, for purpose and meaning to lives. If all these needs had to be subsumed in one word, it might be respect".
Importance of Respect in Peacebuilding and Conflict Transformation
Respect is the first positive step in building a relationship and relationships are central to conflict transformation. One does not have to like a person or understand his viewpoint to accord him respect. Respect comes with the belief that a person or culture can have beliefs contradictory to ours and we should still honor them, as basic respect is a fundamental right of all human beings. In addition, goals and concessions become easier to attain when the element of respect is present As Bill Richardson, the US permanent representative to the UN put it. "You have to be a human being. You cannot be arrogant..... If you treat each individual with respect, each nation with dignity, you can get a lot further than trying to muscle them"
A case example is that of John Kamm, the founder of Dui Hua Foundation. Kamm has been successful in persuading the Chinese government to release political prisoners, when many others have failed. He has found that approaching the Chinese "with dignity and respect facilitated their response to his inquiries and uncovered a wealth of information regarding the status and well being of thousands of political prisoners."
Peacebuilding and conflict transformation strongly emphasize the human relationship aspect. Therefore, for peacebuilding to succeed, the element of respect is essential.
Respect plays an important role in a number of ways.
- Respect allows one to build trust with "the other."
- Respect allows one to build and rebuild relationships.
- It provides one with "an entry," into the other side
- Those who are respected within the community are most likely to be able to bring or encourage peace.
- In addition, according respect can make the key difference in the direction of the conflict.
- Its presence can lead to a positive change, whilst its absence may lead to even more destruction.
The presence of respect can therefore create opportunities. It is then up to the peace builder to act upon them.
Thus, for a peacebuilder, it is important to look at respect from different angles. First is the importance of treating parties to a conflict with civility and honor. Once people are accorded respect, they are more willing to make compromises which are long term and sustainable, rather than those that are made under duress. Second, peacebuilders and "outsider neutral" mediators need to look for links within the conflicted society and community that have the respect of the people, such as professors, elders, religious leaders etc. Through these people, the mediators and peacebuilders can build networks and contacts. And through their help, peacebuilders and mediators can begin to build rapport with the conflicting parties.
What Happens in the Absence of Respect?
Contempt and humiliation are the absence of respect, as are a sense of being unheard or not understood. The absence of respect or a perceived lack of respect often leads to conflict at an individual, family and societal level. Since the first key step to building strong relationships is respect, the absence of respect or the breakdown of respect are also key factors in the breakdown of relationships and in the occurrence of conflict. Relationships and contacts that are built without the presence of respect are seldom long term or sustainable.
Respect is created in many ways.
- It is created when people treat others as they want to be treated. This brings us to the famous quotation from the Bible. "Do unto others as you would others do unto you". This also brings the element of circularity to it. That is, things are connected and in relationship. So the growth of something, such as respect, often nourishes itself from its own process and dynamics. Be the first to accord respect, and with time, it will develop amongst all the conflicting parties.
- Avoid insulting people or their culture; instead try to understand them. Many disastrous interactions are characterized by attitudes such as arrogance, disdain, fear of difference, etc. To avoid this, it helps to contact people who are familiar with the unfamiliar culture and can give the peacebuilder guidelines of how to best adapt to the culture.
- Be courteous. Listen to what others have to say. Treat people fairly. All the basic elements "that we learned in Kindergarten" will go a long way to creating an atmosphere of trust and respect.
- Apart from the above, when already involved in a conflict, ‘separating the people from the problem' also allows one to treat the other side with honor. Recognizing that the issue is the problem at hand and not the people can also help create respect.
William Ury tells how he managed to build trust with the leaders in Venezuela and through shuttle diplomacy and focusing on their interests got them working together to prevent violence.
Thus the presence of respect can help transform conflicts, by providing opportunities that did not exist before. At the same time, the absence of respect can lead to conflict. What makes men like Bill Richardson and John Kamm succeed in negotiations and dialogue where many other fail, especially in their dealings with cultures other than our own? What makes them different from others? Both cite respect to be their main secret. Recognize respect to be a basic human right, treat individuals and states with dignity, and you will receive a more sustainable response. The relationships so established will be based on mutual trust and respect, and hence is likely to last. In contrast, if you browbeat your enemies (or both sides if you are the mediator) then even though the goal may be attained, the relationship will be resentful, and backlash, more than stable peace is the more likely outcome.
 William Aiken. "Respect". In CPA Journal. Available online at http://www.nysscpa.org/cpajournal/2002/0202/nv/nv14a.htm
 Ury, William. " The third side" New York: Penguin, 2000
 Lederach. John Paul. The Little Book of Conflict Transformation
 Szulc, Tad. How to talk to a Dictator
 The MacArthur Fellows Program. Available online at http://www.macfound.org/programs/fellows/
 Refer to the story from Ghana " I do not wish to in John Paul Lederach's "The Moral Imagination"
 Lederach. John Paul. The Little Book of Conflict Transformation
 Moore, Christopher W. and Woodrow, Peter. "What Do I Need to Know About Culture? Practitioners Suggest..." In Into the Eye of the Storm. Edited by John Paul Lederach and Janice Moomaw Jenner.
 "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" available online at http://www.peace.ca/kindergarten.htm and as a book with the same title written by Robert Fulghum. Ivy Books; Reissue edition. 1989.
 Ury, William & fisher. Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books. 1991
Use the following to cite this article:
Farid, Sana. "Respect." Beyond Intractability. Eds. Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess. Conflict Information Consortium, University of Colorado, Boulder. Posted: July 2005 <http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/respect>.
If you are using the video, ask the first question before viewing.
1. Agree or disagree: It's okay to insult or make fun of people as long as they don't hear it.
2. What are some common signs of disrespect that you see in people here at school? How do you feel about that?
3. What do you dislike most about the way people treat each other here at school? What do you like the most? Why do you feel that way?
4. Are there a lot of put-downs here at school? Are put-downs a sign of disrespect? How, in what way?
5. Is there a difference between a put-down and an insult? What's the difference?
6. Do you have to like a person in order to be respectful, or can you be respectful to someone even if you don't particularly care for him or her?
7. When you're with a group of kids, what things might other people do or say that make you feel good? What things make you feel bad?
8. Do you think there is racism here at school? How is it expressed? How does that make you feel?
9. Have you, personally, ever experienced racism or some other type of prejudice? What happened? How did it make you feel?
10. Do the kids in your school tend to stay within their own racial and ethnic groups, or do they mix. Why do you think that happens here?
11. Several of the kids in the video commented that they feel pressure to stay with their own kind rather than mixing. Do you find the same pressures here at your school?
12. Do you think people are afraid of differences sometimes? Can you give some examples? Why do you think that's true?
13. Is it harder to respect someone who is very different from us? Why?
14. What are the benefits of having friends who are different from us?
15. Have you ever learned something new about a different culture from a friend?
16. How well do you kids know each other? What things stand in the way of getting to know people better?
17. What responsibilities do you feel you have toward your classmates?
18. Is it ever okay to treat another person with disrespect?
19. What are the benefits of treating people with respect?
20. The kids in this video said they think everybody is entitled to be treated with respect. Do you agree?
21. What was most meaningful to you in this video?
22. Did anybody in this video say anything you disagree with? What would you say to that person?